Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Ultimate “And”

Travis and Tracy and …

So far I’ve cried every time I’ve seen our little kiddo on the ultrasound. It just doesn’t get old—seeing that yes, there really is a little life in there, with a heartbeat and fingers and toes and a giant head and KICKS!

We’ve been waiting to see those things since four years ago, when we first started trying to have a baby. In those four years there has been heartbreak, weeping, frustration, confusion, grief, jealousy, contentment, resignation, tentative hope, and so many other emotions. A lot of prayer and forcing ourselves to just trust in God’s timing and plans for our family, even if it didn’t make sense to us.

I was completely exhausted and often nauseous during the first trimester, but now, at 15 weeks, I have a lot more energy (though the nausea has decided we still need to be friends, unfortunately). And with that energy the last few days my mind has been racing and longing to start DOING something—choose a crib, research baby sleep habits, make a mobile—anything other than just waiting around wondering what’s next. I whipped up a flurry of activity on Pinterest looking at nursery ideas. I realized that all this preparation has just been building inside me this whole time, even if I was trying my best to keep it dormant and out of my mind. But you can’t help it. It’s always there, lurking. And now all those plans and hopes and ideas finally get to see the light of day.

Despite our past struggles, from the moment I saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test, both Travis and I have felt surprisingly calm. A little anxiety here and there, but nothing overwhelming. Just peaceful. We don’t know where we’ll be living yet—Travis finishes graduate school next month and is really just now able to get things moving on the job search. I wish that was settled, and if I let myself dwell on it, I start to worry. But I know we’ll be ok wherever we land. We’ll find a house and a doctor. I have to keep telling myself that we’re by no means the first people to go through any of this. I don’t need to know more than that.

And anyway, there really is a little life in there, and right now the knowledge of that heartbeat and those fingers and toes and KICKS—that’s plenty for me.

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